librarygeek: cute cartoon fox with nose in book (Default)
I am going to be posting more on my page on this because I need to BOTH write out somewhere all the mixed up feelings and write down the memories for the bride now pregnant widow and their child, my cousin's only child. :-(

I bought the plane tickets, my sister came with, we stayed at my cousin's stepmother's house, whom we were calling Aunt by the end of the 2 days. She's much more involved with her stepchildren than my dad's new wife, who barely lets us talk with him. No, my dad didn't make it to the funeral, claiming illness. If he was, at least staying home away from the pregnant woman was a relative kindness.

I have never lost a contemporary before, even though we had lost all our mutual grandparents, my mom his aunt, and his parents my aunt and uncle since the birth of my child. This sucks.

The timing before the Jewish High Holidays, made for a crisis of faith as well. How can I ask Deity to forgive any vows I cannot keep even when I have tried, when I am actually enraged at a Deity who could make my cousin forsworn to his vows to wife, and implicit promises to unborn child? I am NOT precisely angry now, after Yizkor, memorial service on Tom Kippur, but I couldn't bring myself to attend the services with the Kol Nidre, All Vows prayer for the first time since I was a small child. I don't know what I feel now, besides grief, and tired. So, I will be copying this over to my blog to remember to update.

I even did stay home on Halloween, thinking more Samhain suited me more this year. We watched Clue, a good geeky classic of a movie, and my cousin and I would play Clue together, our handicap against our younger siblings that WE couldn't use the notebook or take any notes. :-D

The sound of the dial-up modem making its handshake, computer games like Ultima and C'est La Vie, board games, and the crazy and kooky Halloween costumes he made, including last year a working lightbulb for Uncle Fester as his then fiancee went as Wednesday Addams, all are so tied in my head to him.

Let those memories lighten grief. (Darkover series, MZB)
librarygeek: cute cartoon fox with nose in book (Default)
Making this a post here so I can edit and add more as needed.

I attended the funeral of my first cousin, died suddenly, the night after his only child's baby shower, and with a thereby very pregnant wife being the one to find him and realize the CPAP machine sounded wrong. First cousin, twice over, by relationship and birth order, because he was born first and I next. His widow, at the funeral, when another relative was trying to introduce us because I hadn't made it to their wedding in March, burst out in tears with, "I know who you are, you're his twin cousin!" His wife spoke, one of his younger brothers spoke, and I spoke at the funeral.

I have never lost a contemporary before, and that sucked. Grandparents, Mom, aunt and uncle, have all died in just the mutual relations between J and I, but not someone only 15 months older than I.
librarygeek: cute cartoon fox with nose in book (Default)
My mother-in-law's passing and very old poetry
My mother-in-law died Tuesday morning. My mom died 8 years ago. I have some of my old poetry repeating in my head today and I'm hoping that writing it out will stop it looping in my head. Edited next day: Yes, writing it out stopped the loop. Didn't think this was great, but I wrote it at 14 years old.

Existing, surviving, living

Existing, surviving, living,
All different states of being.

Some say they are the same,
But they each have a different name.

Existing is just going through each day,
Having nothing in life that is magic or fey.

Surviving is hanging on by your teeth,
Finding yourself alone on the heath.

Living is something I learned to do,
Taught how by someone new.